How to feel good about being broke? I’ve had a lot of practice honing this skill through September and October, what with many, many expensive things: cars, dogs, husbands, paying off holidays I’ve already enjoyed, waah waah waah. So with the money stretched over a particularly long month (who pays on the last Thursday of every month? What kind of ridiculous payment code is this?) and one day left until the money lands, I’m looking for items which make me feel better about being brassic.
I’m trawling the net for the cheapest looking of the most expensive, the totally unflattering, the over-rated, the proper horrids, the stuff that makes me think “Can’t afford you and didn’t want ya anyway.” ‘Tis the season to be grateful for having more sense than money.
1. Versace Jacket.
It’s made of poor little foxes, costs more than £13,000 and yet still looks like it could have come off Bescot market. What’s not to hate? Team with skinny jeans and a bag over the head.
2. Maison Martin Margiela Cardigan.
I did exactly this to my Marks and Spencer grey school cardigan in 1992. For considerably less than £500 you can achieve this look by hooking your grandad cardy over your knees and stretching it. Best done whilst listening to the Smiths and worrying about whether Kraig Brown fancies you or not.
3. Carritz Ankle Boot.
Nobody needed to be reminded of 80s kids TV horror Noseybonk and yet that’s exactly what this ankle boot of doom did for me. I’m pretty sure I remember an episode where he stole a baby and no-one wants feet that look like baby stealers. If you need another reason they are also clearly impractical unless you have someone available to carry you from place to place for the next five months at least.
4. Aurelie Bidermann Necklace
Admittedly pretty useful if you’re trying to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. Otherwise not much cop unless you’ve got a neck like Iman. Which I haven’t.
5. Donna Karan Belt
Your mum might say this was ‘snazzy’. It also contains ‘bling’ or even ‘bling bling’ if you prefer. It might make you look ‘fabulous’. It’s a snip at only £200 as opposed to its original price of more than six hundred. I don’t have enough ‘sass’ for this one and my friends would quite rightly laugh at me and call me a prat if I wore it. It would however have gone really brilliantly with the fuschia Clockhouse batwing sleeved sateen number and starched skirt with “Chinese writing” motif I wore to a school disco in 1983 though. Team with a flicked fringe and blinkers if you must.
PS- And while we’re on the subject, just because the M & S pink coat’s back in stock still doesn’t make it a good idea.